Training...really righteous and totally gnarly.

So someone asked what the training for this "half marathon" was. Well, I have been following

THIS PLAN

It is for a novice. Considering I am a novice, meaning I have NEVER EVER EVER ran more than a mile WILLINGLY...this was the perfect way to start.

If I can survive this...I may attempt this. I figure I am halfway there, so I might as well try, even if I have to crawl my way down.

But that means I will need to do this. And well, to be honest, that 20 mile run on my own is a little freaky.

You have to understand that I HAVE to take walking breaks. Which means that I am not "running" the ENTIRE time I am out. I do however try to beat my times from the previous day or week, which means that as time goes on, I am running more and more. I have a longer endurance, when really all I could run at first was MAYBE half a mile without feeling like I was going to die when I first started this journey.

Also, I hate to keep hashing this...but I have not lost a SINGLE pound or a SINGLE inch. Haven't. Really. I have actually gained...ready for this? FOUR pounds. Muscle? Maybe. Am I happy about it? Not one bit. It is quite discouraging for me. I started this journey with the hopes of shedding a few inches...and it has been almost two months and I am just feeling yucko when I look in the mirror.

BUT, I am happy with the person I have become. I happy that my body is doing something that I never gave it credit for. And for that...I am SMILING!

Good luck you guys...you should try it. I think you'll digg it. And it is radical.

Dood, seriously...some stuff:

The dreams? They won't quit. Seriously? SERIOUSLY!!!

I could start an ENTIRE blog about the dreams I am having. Maybe I should...maybe I could make money off of them and people could theif them and make them into made for tv movies or something.

For instance, the other night, I SWEAR I was dreaming for hours. I had this dream that this birth mother Ami...yes in my dream her name was AMI with an "I" had chosen our little family. Upon meeting Ami and her incredibly well to do family, she informs me that she cannot stand my "1985" lingo...of "Dude" and she asked me to never say "Dudette" or anything from the eighties era ever again. She was really nice about it. I just felt really, really sad. Ami was six months pregnant, and we went with her to the ultrasound. She was having a boy...but for the life of me now I can't remember what we decided to name him. We went through the motions of meeting her family...etc...etc...I got the feeling that she really couldn't stand us...yet she loved us all at the same time. Then, I was awakened and who knows what happened after that.

So strange...and so funny. I am going to write them down for all of you to enjoy.

Also...WHY after I make the decision to quit photographing weddings, do I feel I just shot one of my best weddings EVER? Um, ya I hope that the bride and groom think so...cause there is some amazing stuff I've had to make myself STOP editing. LOL!

And quit already with the RUNNING compliments. I don't post for you to compliment. (Although I WILL admit that it keeps me going...because I HAVE to finish this race...because you are all counting on me to do it!) Seriously, I am a strong believer that almost anyone can do it. You just have to work up to it. It IS mental...and it sucks. I basically hate it...don't know WHY the heck I am doing it...right now it is just working for me....so I keep at it...maybe not forever...but for now it is a part of me.

Not Good.

Sigh.

Today was not a good day.

I messed up royally.

I almost hate myself.

I am so confused.

I wish I were smarter, keener, listened better.

I feel like throwing up.

I feel like I am not worthy.

I wonder if I am?

I wonder what I should do?

I wonder if I am strong enough.

I wonder what Father in Heaven wants from me?

I wonder if Satan is working overtime on me?

I wonder if these tears will stop.

I wonder if I can take anymore?

I wonder why He thought I could handle this?

I wonder if I can.

I feel like a failure.

I am so so so sorry.

Let's talk about a few things:

First: I want to thank Crystalyn for helping me shoot a wedding on Saturday. She has officially made me DETEST my Nikon D200 for it's noise factor...as I have been editing her version of the reception photos, I am officially hating my camera body. For that I must shed a tear. Thank you Crystalyn, and blast you and your Canon noiseless goodness.

Second: Thank you to everone for the compliments and encouragement. I would be the FIRST person to say, "I could NEVER run a marathon!" "I am SO not a RUNNER?!" "Never going to ever EVER happen!" Guess what? It is happening, thoughts keep going through my mind from my good friend Mrs. R. "You will be amazed at what your body can do!" I scoffed when she said that to me when I was making the decision to become a runner...and now, now I am telling you world...that you would be amazed at what your bodies can do too. Does it hurt? HECK YA...is it always fun? HECK NO! Sometimes, do I hate every bloody second of it?! YES...but sometimes, sometimes in those quite moments when I am pounding the blacktop, I am one with something I have never felt before. I have learned so much about myself, what I can do, and it is spreading into other aspects of my life...for this I grateful.

Third: I will make a post unto itself, for if I do not, you will not continue to read, and what I am about to tell you is very important...

Third:

I have debated for quite some time as to whether or not I should write about this. I have had the fear that if I do write this, that people may not understand, and worse yet, that it would make everyone, and even myself realize that I am not perfect, and sometimes I cannot do it alone.

I have felt this more than ever before today.

I am taking an anti-depressant.

There, I said it. I have been taking one for about four months now.

And you know what? I have never been happier.

I have never felt so FREE, so anti-anxious about EVERYTHING, so on top of the world.

How long had I been so down? How long had I let myself believe that I could take care of how I was feeling all on my own? That it was MY choice if I was happy, sad, depressed, anxious, tired, etc? YEARS more than likely. Definitely since a year after my marriage when I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. Seriously? SEVEN years of blech? A weight has been lifted off of me, that I hadn't realized was hanging onto my shoulders. I feel light. It is hard to explain, but it is real!

Wanna know how I realize how much better off I am with this tiny kiss of an anti-depressant than without? (This has happened ONCE before) But today, I was sitting on the couch for most of the morning, STRESSING about EVERY LITTLE thing I had to do. Stressing about the laundry, spending time with my kids, EDITING A WEDDING I FINISHED SHOOTING LAST NIGHT?! (Crazy right? Why should I be stressing about THAT?) etc...etc...I kind of went so far as to have zero desire to make dinner, and talked my husband into going to Arctic Circle. That is how you know I have reached a low point. Then it hit me. I have forgotten to take my medication for almost FIVE days. FIVE. Duh. I realized at that moment how much it is helping me to be a better wife, mother, sister, friend, and PERSON.

So I tell you this because, more than likely I will stay on these little lovelies for as long as they are helping me be a better wife and mother. I feel like my family is now the center of my life, instead of everyone else and their happiness or what they have thought about me. In a way, I am thankful for the horrendous post-partum depression that had me in it's vice, for without it I would not have had the courage to ask for help.

My husband was THE KING of, "You don't need pills to make you happy...to help you get through hard times." Now he is THE KING of, "Can you stay on those FOREVER...PLEASE?!" He is a believer, and so am I. I can't wait to find me again, after these blasted pills take effect once again. Can't wait.

8 Mile

Photograph Courtesy of Heather. Thanks Heather!

Eight mile. Isn't that the name of a movie starring Eminen? Ya, ya it was.

What else is it? How about the number I ran today. 8. Eight. Oito...as in I ran eight friggin' miles today.

I know, I know, I can hardly believe it myself. My legs and knees are feeling it. My tired self is feeling it.

Long about mile six I was wondering what the "H" I was doing to myself by running? Who does this to themselves? Well, apparently I am, and I do.

When I hit mile three this morning, this song came on my iPod. The words just struck a cord in me. I began bawling on my run this morning. Yep, as I ran through the ghetto...I was crying. Here is the song:

I love Alanis Morissette.

I have heard this song almost everyday for the last month, today I just listened to the words, and I felt like this is how my life is. I'm just plugging along, hoping and wishing that the next step I take gets me where I want to go. Don't we all kind of "fake it til we make it"?

I know I do...and just like with so many things in my life, I am going to keep on doing it...until I am really doing it, until I am all that I want and hope to become.

Maybe even a runner.

Hopefully all the other things that brought me to my weeping knees today. Ya those things especially.

Audrey Woulard Workshop Spot for Sale-September

I'm posting this for my good friend Crystalyn...if anyone is interested, drop her a line!

One spot for sale to attend Audrey Woulard's (completely sold out) workshop September 20-21. I am no longer able to attend (soooo sad, this is one of the last ones she has scheduled at her loft).If you want to drool over her amazing talent check here.

Feel free to email Crystalyn at: crystalynsblog [at] gmail [dot] com or comment on her blog if you are interested or have any questions about the workshop.

Sometimes I wonder...

...how anyone can recover from loss. I have been out of the blog loop for a few weeks since my newly acquired schedule. So I have been a really good girl and haven't been spending all of my waking hours on the Internet. I hadn't regretted that decision until today, when I read this:

Marc and Megan

Even though I have been through a similar thing, I don't understand it. I don't comprehend any of it. I wish I could understand, I wish I had all of the answers, but I don't and that frustrates me. I feel sick, I feel confused, I wish I knew WHY?! WHY!?

I just ask that you pray for them. Pray for them to have strength and courage, and peace and HOPE! I love you Marc and Megan. My hearts are with you. I'll make sure to ask that Elli and Emma can play with Peanut!

Loves and prayers.

I'm back.

There is so much to write. I am SO busy. I have a headache...I have lots to do. I miss my blog. I miss you guys. I'll see you tomorrow!

Guess who I met today?

AND...





We even got to make our own special DVD with Mr. Grover! Ahhh, can't wait to watch it! He even called me Kimmie. I heart Grover. WOW. It was kind of emotional. Abby Cadabby's 'friend' and I had a nice long teary conversation about how much the Muppets have done for our society, how much joy they bring to people, of all ages. To see something like this up close was amazing...and something I will always cherish.

In San Francisco

This city is AMAZING. I wish I had access to uploading photos from my camera. Alas, I didn't come as a true "BlogHer" prepared with all that jazz. I am excited to meet new people tomorrow and learn some good things.

It has been SUPER fun to see Casey again. I missed her personality, and I am amazed at her whit and charm, and how many people love her. She is truly in her element. It makes my heart smile.

Coming to San Francisco is a dream come true. Places I have only dreamed about going to in my life are coming to fruition. It is truly breathtaking to travel somewhere you have only seen on postcards or on television and movies. To be here, to feel the breeze, smell the smells, taste the food. Today I saw The Golden Gate Bridge. I rode the Subway. I got stuck on public transit with Moosh in Indy. It was a fun day, and I am happy.

Pregnancy Loss. Miscarriage.

I have about a million things I want to blog about. For some reason today this is taking priority.

I got a call today from a really old and a very dear, dear friend to me. See, she and her husband found out about three months ago that they were expecting twins! TWINS! How wonderful right? Well, yesterday, the found out that one of the babies did not make it. This is a deep and a profound loss as these babies were miracle babies conceived through IVF.

Hearing this news pained me deeply. I talked to her of my deep sorrow for the pain she is feeling, and for the undoubtable lack of significance that will be shed on her at this time. Because she is still pregnant with one beautiful tiny life, she fears people will forget that they began as two lives...and that is hard for her to handle. I told her how sorry I was, and it pained me to hear her say, "Oh it is okay." To which I replied, "NO IT ISN'T!"

So for me, I'm here to talk about what to do if you know someone struggling with pregnancy loss, no matter what stage of pregnancy, and how to help them, what to say, what not to say...none of this is gospel. It is just my take on stuff that I have gone through and the way I feel now. I will be completely honest and say that I never took "miscarriage" so heavily in the past until I lost a baby of my own. I was probably like most of you...or some of you, when you hear someone had a miscarriage. "Oh that sucks." "You can try again!" "You still have two beautiful children." And the list of well meaning thoughts goes on and on. Here are some things that have been on my mind constantly for the last little bit and especially today as I thought of my sweet friend.

When you talk to someone who lost a baby...tell them how much it stinks! How unfair it is! And if they try to tell you it is okay...tell them it IS NOT okay...and let them feel anger. Be there to listen to them if they want to talk, and respect the desire to be left alone if that is what they want. With that being said, you can do the following whether they are wanting to be surrounded or left alone. Just do it!

Do send a card in the mail.

Do send flowers.

Do make dinner.

Do offer to watch children so the couple can go on a date.

Do give giftcards to Blockbuster and a tub of popcorn.

Do bring Baskin Robbins.

If the person wants company, do their dishes...do their laundry...do vacuum....do something.

Husbands:

You have had a loss too, do talk about how you are feeling with your partner.

Do hold your partner when she throws things at the wall.

Let her throw her fits and tantrums.

Do hug...a lot.

Do support your spouse if she needs a little medication to help her through the loss.

There are a lot of things not to do. I'm not sure how to handle them because everyone is different. My biggest suggestion is trying not to lessen the loss. Allow someone to grieve. I am a very spiritual person. I believe every living thing has a spirit. I believe that these tiny lives have a spirit the second they are conceived. It is a loss. It is real. The feelings are tragic. Most of all be a true friend.

I know I am so thankful for mine during our struggle. I can honestly say I am healed and happy because of the love of so many. Hope this can help you help someone else.

Drumroll please.....And the winner is:

Comment Number 20!



ls said...
I came across your blog from a comment you left on Lilli's blog. Lilli is my sister-in-law's best friend and a friend of mine, as well. I started reading about the time that you had your miscarriage and I was touched by your story and have come back now and then to keep posted. I appreciate your honesty and I am so impressed with your humility.I'd love to be in the contest-- we haven't had a real family picture taken since before my baby was born (and he just turned one two days ago).
Friday, July 11, 2008 9:03:00 AM



Thank goodness for random number pickers, otherwise I would be giving away 51 Sessions.

"Is" drop me a line at: kimsueellen[at]gmail[dot]com.

This was totally awesome you guys. Thanks again for your participation!

Dear Mr. Scale:

I ran 21 miles this week. And you treat me like this? I no longer trust you. You sick, sick man.

One more day!

To enter!

See post below. It has been SO fun getting to "meet" some of you! I'll have LOTS of fun posts in the coming week. Thanks for the great ideas, the compliments, and the inspiration. I'm back in the game!

Kiss, kiss!

Blog Worthy.

I'm feeling a little bloggily challenged.

Why do you guys come here?

What do you want to see more of?

What can I give you?

You guys want a give away?

Should I give away a Free Session--no Session Fee and an 8x10?

Okay.

First things first. Leave me a comment, answer some or all of my questions and I will pick a winner at random. (Please tell me you are entering the contest though. I will only draw from those wanting to enter.)

You do not have to live in Utah. *However* you have to be in Salt Lake to have the session. If you are an out of stater and would like to participate and think you'll be in the great state of Utah within the next six months. Play along.

If you don't want to enter the contest, that is fine...but I want to know who you are! So, for two days only I will allow anonymous people to comment. My purpose in this is to see who is out there that is actually reading this. (Please be nice.) In other words: DeLurk...but for heaven's sake leave your name. Tell me where you are from, how you came upon this blog. I'd love to hear from you!

Also, ask questions, give me something to blog about. Can you tell I am feeling un-blog-worthy?

I'm so EXCITED...I just have to share!

My sister-in-law...who is really my SISTER just started a blog! I am so stoked people!

She is the sweetest, kindest person I have ever met. She is the best mother, the best cook, and a mean scrapbooker. I love her. She is so inspiring.

Go welcome her into Blogland! And try her recipes...you'll never regret it!

Welcome Anna!

Happy Birthday America!

I'm always a little late. What can I say?

Our little fam went to Vernal on Thursday to go "horseback riding".

We got into Vernal at about 11 p.m. on Thursday. We all spent the night at some very interesting motel. It was very clean...but very...interesting. We woke up bright and early to catch the local parade. I sat by this lady who was a local, and it was so great to see how much small town pride she had. She knew like EVERY person in the parade, it was great.


The icky motel. It was clean...it was just...a motel. Yick.

Loved this little perfect capture.

She is TDF.

He hurt his elbow and was EXTREMELY upset. We found bandaids and all was well.

Love this photo. Definitely sums her up.

Perfection. Jothy is one cool dude.

Hubbs. He "loves" having his photo taken. NOT!

My mother-in-law who does love to have her photo taken.

All better.

We rawk in our shades.

A family photo? It has been a LONG time since we had one of those!

The fly over during the parade. Really one of the COOLEST things I have ever seen. Wow.

This just wreaks of parade. The flag, the little boy...the blue and red shades.

Then we drove around for four hours trying to find hubby's parent's "friends" place. Bah...we never did...so we went home with no horses ridden.

It was fun nevertheless, to spend an entire day together. To be a family and not feel any stress for one day. Beautiful times.

Dear Scale:

I hate you. Therefore I will not accept what you have told me today.

See you next week.

These make me happy...

Remember that yard sale we had?

Well, I finally found the camera that we had to borrow to take photos of the event...because THREE photographers didn't bring their awesome digital SLR's. C'mon...we had good reason, right?! Right?!

The three girls stayed up until 1 a.m. getting stuff for the yard sale complete. I don't think any of us really slept. We met at 5 a.m. to put the stuff out. By 7 a.m. we had everything put out and our first customers started coming. It was rock out until 1:00 p.m. It was a beautiful day...it was hott, but fun. We were able to meet so many people connected to adoption. I think we all walked away with about $400 each. It was well worth it for the exposure and the opportunity to teach others about adoption.

Ron and Jessica came and got in on the action by selling drinks and treats. Buy one get one free!

We are dorks...but you already knew that!

At least we are cute dorks!

Ron and Jessica in matching T's. Love it.

We labeled EVERYTHING wth our adoption blogs.

Mr. R. in his adoption best.
Mounds and mounds of good stuff.
Mrs. R.
The Ladies. Leisha, Me, and Mrs. R.
Family Room anyone?

Our adoption pass along cards, and profiles.
Toys and more toys.
"The Man Table" Way to go Mrs. R. for creative selling. You should be in marketing.
All stuff Baby.
And and ENTIRE scrapbook table!

It was such a fun event. It was great to spend the day with our friends from adoption. Guess what? We had so much stuff we are going to do another one. Stay tuned.

Thank you to everyone who reads this blog who attended. It was a success because of you too!

LeGo LaNd

When I was in Chicago, I picked up some Legos for Jothan and Emmaree. I had forgotten how much I loved them when I was a little girl. My brother and I would play for hours and hours. We had the Lego Castle and the Lego Firestation. It was so fun to be able to play and imagine, but most importantly, to be able to do that with my brother.



So, it has brought me back so many years watching Jothan and Emmaree play Legos together. This afternoon we were playing Legos. Joth had built this "superhero" but he wasn't quite staying together. So, he and I worked hard to build a better superhero. Well, then of course, we have to build a monster for the superhero to save us all from. Here is the conversation that followed.



Me: "Here Joth, I finished the monster."

Joth: "Oh wow Mom! He's SUPER!"



Just like that...a little Lego magic and I get the word "super" out of him.



Even Emm got in on the action...making of course...a baby.



Emm: "It's a baaaaybeeee!"

Can't Sleep.

It is an insane hour of the morning. I took a REALLY long nap "yesterday" afternoon, I think this is my problem. I wanted to ask you guys:

Do you ever have really vivid and intense dreams?

I wouldn't consider myself a dreamer. I dream on occasion, (well enough to remember I suppose). It is very rare and few and far between. This last week though...EVERY night I have had INTENSE dreams. I wake up feeling EXHAUSTED, like I need to sleep the moment I awake.

The dreams have been about a lot of different things. Some were about LJ...some were about his mom. Others were about work...last night I dreamt we had a baby...and I kept losing the baby. (As in...where did I put the baby? Why isn't the baby in the crib...even when the baby was in my arms...the next moment the baby was gone.)

I know this probably seems really easy to decipher. I am probably just dreaming out the stress of the last little while. Honestly? I haven't been more at peace and happier in a really LONG time with my life. I just don't get the dreaming. A week people. Every night. Has this ever happend to you?