...exactly what I am feeling, or have been feeling the last few days. I thought I was doing so well, but I am not. There is just unfortunately too much to share on this blog world viewable blog, and too much that I. Just. Can't. Share.
LJ's caseworker came today. She comes once a month to see him, how he interacts with us, to see his room, to make sure we don't lock him in closets etc. (Not funny, but really that is, in essence what they do.)
She informed us that he would be spending the weekend with Mom again. His birthday is Saturday. That means he will be with Mom on his birthday. What is my problem? I have a HUGE problem with this. I am just jacked up. I am beginning to realize that I may not be cut out for Foster Care, and their goal of "reunification". I am feeling a bit too much anger, and despite my prayers for LJ and for his mom, I am having a hard time dealing with things. I guess I am realizing how hard it is going to be for me when and if he goes back with her. I guess I am not sure what it is that I really want for him, or for us. I'm just feeling sad about all of it. There is a good chance...that he may be with Mom sooner than we realize...maybe a week?!
I have been thinking how much I want a little baby to join our family, how I think I want that more than anything. I opened up an e-mail address that I send all my "junk" to. You know...one that I never check...and the millions of messages in there are all about how far along I would be in my pregnancy. I haven't even given it a second thought since my doctor's appointment two weeks after our loss. I guess we would be 26 weeks now. It is just doing funky things with my brain. The past nine weeks...oh my.
There is just so much more...
15 comments:
sorry you are so down Kim. I wish there was more I could do for you. just know you are in our prayers.
Whew, good thing you took those locks of the closets in time. Heh. You know I wish I could be there in some capacity for you. I don't even know when I can call. Dang EST/MST. I can feel how overwhelmed you are and I am hugging myself hoping you can feel it. (Go ahead, hug yourself back, YOU HAVE BLINDS NOW, no one will look at you funny.)
xo baby.
If you didn't have a heart or didn't care you wouldn't feel these things about LJ. "If". Shows how Christlike you are!
Yeah those emails~ in the junk box! Funky to things to the brain is right! Got them with Little Miss :p ! Oh Lady Loo I LURVE as you would say! TONS MORE THEN YOU KNOW! IT's scary, so is life!
Thank you~ is ALL I have to say! More then grateful for who YOU are!
I hear ya Miss Kimmie...I to would recieve the emails and worse when you go to the Dr for your appointment they have you sign up for all the baby stuff...well I have continued to recieve all the coupons and the samples for the last 6 months. Anyways I', here for you if you EVER need to talk. ANYTIME!!
Stupid brains...if only we had a shut off switch when we're just sick of it.
I feel for ya. You dealing with so much right now. Such a roller coaster ride you've been on. (HUGS) The good is just around the corner, I promise, and I'm sure June will bring it to you!
ice cream helps.
fun to see you last night.
loves.
i didn't see this before we spoke last night, i just saw it now. I wish we had talked about it last night online.
Do you want to come over and chill?
That totally sucks, talk about salt on the wounds...hang in there!
Well. You are certainly a better person than I am , I am not sure I have as much love in my heart, especially after all the trials of the last few months for you. I know from when I lost my little twin, the loss never really goes away, but with time, the hurt subsides. Little by little. By little. Certainly not in nine weeks. You are doing great things. And I have lots of love and respect for you.
Kim, good luck with everything. You have an amazing heart of gold and little LJ is with your for a reason. I know he feels loved and I know he has blessed your life. I hope all goes well, you are in my prayers.
Man Kimmie I love reading your blog and wished I had the GUTS to express myself on mine like you do.......but I am good and getting it all out to you.....hope to hear from you (your voice that is my dear friend)!
i have no doubts that lj will look back on this time with you with tenderness ... even if he can't really remember it, he will feel it.
eat some more ice cream;) why not, right?
I love reading your blog. You are so raw, and honest and real. That's why I keep coming back! Good luck with everything. My husband and I are unable to have children and have been trying to adopt for 5 years now. We decided to start fostering to adopt. And it's been a very interesting experience. I feel the same way you do in SO Many ways...we would love to adopt our little one we have now, and the struggles of the feelings of wanting her to know her mom and wanting myself to "be her mom" have been heartbreaking. It's confusing, overwhelming and downright horrible. I would love to chat with you sometime over email. If you have the time, please write. sienna52@hotmail.com
I understand your frustration. I had the opposite reaction to foster care at first.
At first I WANTED our "J" to be reunited with his Mom because I wasn't sure he was meant to be ours. It took us awhile to really, truly "bond".
We are only taking newborns right now and we're being super-selective, praying, fasting to know which ones we should take.
Take care of your heart! I know it is SO hard. If you aren't cut out for it, it's OKAY. There are many, many paths to building a family.
Post a Comment