Close to the Surface

It is my hope that this is the last long post I will have for awhile. Hopefully the last post, that when I read it I see a girl who is hurting and feeling a bit sad and perhaps sorry for herself. I hate seeing this girl, but know that she must heal. I think she is doing just that, she just needs to get it out one last time and take a step forward and move on.

I had my follow-up appointment with my doctor today. I feel like for the past five days or so, I have done really well, at well...not crying. Everything else hasn't been so good. I have just felt this heavy, dark weight upon my shoulders. I can feel myself not wanting to leave my house, forgetting to eat (literally, I just feel no hunger...I have been eating though, forcing myself to get well physically), having a hard time sleeping. So, I thought to myself a couple days ago, "Gee, this sounds a lot like the symptoms of depression." Since today has been 16 days since we lost Peanut, and since that time today was the THIRD day I actually put on makeup and tried to do something with myself, I decided that this had to stop, and that it wasn't getting better on it's own.

The second my doctor came in and sat down, began discussing with me the pathology reports from the baby, I started crying. I was fighting it so hard. I just feel like I am not getting through this as well as I should. Sure, with Joth and Emm, I felt the baby blues, but I had this gorgeous baby to stare at, cuddle, love and hold all day long. Now, well I still have those gorgeous kids to cuddle and hold, plus one more, but it wasn't the same. As much as I love these three beings, there is this huge hole in my heart. It didn't make sense as to why I feel so heavy until the nurse was giving me a shot of progesterone in my hip. Her words were comforting, she let me cry, she gave me a hug, and told me what I needed to hear, and that it was okay to have some chemical help through this. So, for the next few months I'll be on a really low dose of an anti-depressant. I haven't started taking it, I am afraid really. I'm still holding out that this dose of hormone helps me like they say it will. Hello sunshine, I am waiting for you. ;)

I discussed a lot of things with my doctor, crying all the way through it. Hating the fact I had to be back in that office, in the same room that I heard our baby's heartbeat only six weeks ago. I hated sitting there waiting for the doctor, then for the nurse. I wanted to run from the room screaming and never return. I'm not sure if things feel more clear or more clouded. That the things he told me are to make me feel better about what happened, or more of a failure. (Not a literal failure, but the failure that one inevitably feels when things don't go as planned.) I just don't know where to put my foot next. Which road do I take, which one do I pursue, which one do I leave behind? I am flipping baby hungry...I know I am not alone in this feeling, I just had to say it. My heart just aches still.

I'm hoping today was the last of the heavy sobbing. My emotions have been so close to the surface, when Flavio called me after my appointment and I was crying he had the nerve to ask, "Why are you crying?" Wha? Did you just ask me, "WHY AM I CRYING?!" Seriously. GAH! I'm crying because I feel a loss, I am crying because I made it so far into my pregnancy, made it through the sickness, the debilitating headaches, the FAT gain, the swollen face, and when I look in the mirror and see my more slender figure, my watch that no longer stays on my wrist the way it used to, I can see that I am not the same person I was almost 20 weeks ago. That should make me happy, but it doesn't.

I'm determined to move on from this trial. While I shall never forget it, I don't want it to overtake me, to consume me so that I always remember the pain of this event. I don't want to count weeks up until my "due date". I want to move on and live, and prepare for the next adventure, the next blessing, even the next trial. So, that is what I am doing. Even if there are more days of emotions close to the surface, I have other things to take care of, other children to prepare for, to seek, to find, along with life that is waiting beyond this dark knot in my rope of life. Such a tiny glimpse of eternity. There is a spirit waiting for me, pushing me forward. I have a testimony that this spirit is not sitting around waiting for me, watching me feel sorrow, they are working, smiling, doing all they need to do to gain all the blessings promised to them...and so do I.

I'm thankful that this trial happend so close to Conference. My testimony has been strengthened. I truly feel like the Lord spoke to MY heart, and told me things that I needed to hear. I am listening, I'm ready to get back to work.

I want to thank everyone for their love and support.

Amanda for the beautiful flowers that lasted seemingly forever.

Cassie, in the midst of her own trials, came to see me in the hospital, brought the most beautiful figure of a mother and a child. And later in the week brought us TWO of THE most delicious dinners I have ever eaten, and has continually called me (even though I don't call her back. Seriously, once this depression is over, I owe you big time!). And love to Tim who called Flavio.

Carly, who brought us over our favorite pizza in the world, joined us for dinner TWICE then came over to my house AGAIN when my four year old let her in without us knowing...and I walked upstairs to catch her doing our dishes! She stayed all day and played with the kids so I could rest for a few minutes, and gave us a beautiful reminder that our Savior loves us so much.

Casey, who mopped my floor in prep for LJ's caseworker to come, helped wrangle my kids into bed, and read them story after story. She also made us a delicious dinner and gave me a dozen beautiful roses.

Amy and John who were thoughtful enough to want to bring us food, but instead humbled themselves to come and enjoy the mountain of food that we had already been given. They cheered our hearts and made us laugh, and I got a free chiropractic adjustment from it...when they move back home I'm all over John's practice! It was nice to have John here to buoy Flavio's spirits as well. I know how much HE needed it.

The R House, specifically Mrs. R. who brought us some killer lasagna and dinosaur chicken nuggets (that we just ate yesterday and they were freaking awesome...would you believe that FLAVIO made some homemade honey mustard? Well, I added the honey...but the rest he did. Mmmm.) as well as ice-cream and pie and a TON, I say A TON of movies for me to enjoy. I have loved just vegging in front of a good movie. Thank you!

Leisha, who was gone at the time of losing Peanut, but who lovingly made us dinner the week after I got home from Hawaii when I was having some spotting and feeling like basic CRAP...she was on top of it like a BFF should be and brought us a HUGE dinner. I can't thank her enough for that! ;)

Arianne and Jayna who sent me a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers. As well as many phone calls of love and e-mails expressing heartfelt sympathy. (Again, so sorry I haven't returned them...I just feel so heavy the thought of doing much is so hard...but I am thankful for it!)

Lace, who brought us pizza, "the kind with circles on it" Jothan's "fravorite". And chips...holy cow how the kids loved those chips. And the cookies, which unfortunately I ate TOO many of. It was SUPER nice to have that dinner!

Amy, who I e-mailed on the Friday after I got out of the hospital and cried to via e-mail (if one can do that) and she brilliantly convinced me that the ward should know what happened, and got us three more meals.

Amy, whom I missed as I was taking little LJ to the doc...she brought me some BEAUTIFUL roses and some yummo chocolate, chocolate, chocolate cookies...she is like eight months pregnant and she BAKED. FOR. ME. She wrangled her three year old and went TO. MY. HOUSE. She deserves a medal. ;) She is one of my dearest friends in the entire world. She deserves a better friend than me!

Wendy and Dan, who came to the hospital, and gave me the most cuddly teddy bear that I am no longer owner of (thanks Emm, Jothan, and LJ). Then brought us CHEESECAKE and lots of laughter. Flavio was so happy to have a DUDE around! ;)

The ward, who brought those meals and stopped by to give blessings and words of comfort and peace.

To ALL OF YOU, who sent e-mails, cards, letters, thoughts, phone calls, comments, and love. Each and every person has touched my heart and has helped me through this horrible and yet strengthening experience. Even though I am not thanking you each one by one, hopefully someday I can and will! Your kindness has not gone unnoticed. ;)

THANK YOU! I can't say it enough and it feels so inadequate, but THANK YOU!