This is it.

****Disclaimer: Please be advised, especially if you are of the male species, or are faint of heart, I talk about a lot of "womanly parts", issues, blood and lots of details that go with losing a child in utero. Please feel free to read on, or please know that you have been warned. Thank you. ****

EARLY Sunday morning. We're talking 1 a.m. so early in fact, none of us had even gone to bed yet. So, I guess you could say late Saturday night, I was giving my kids a bath. (Yes, I realize that seems like an unusual time to be giving your kids a bath, but we had been gone ALL day and had JUST finished putting the new beds together, put on the sheets, and needed to give baths for church the next day. It was then that I noticed some spotting. It was right before I was giving the kids a bath, and it was enough to freak me out, but not enough to send me to the ER. So I called Flavio up to give the kids a bath. We talked about what to do. Most of the books say this is normal. I was a bit worried this time as this wasn't the first time in the last month I have had this problem. We decided to see how things went on Sunday and then call first thing Monday morning to see what the doctor wanted to do.

Sunday morning, I woke bright and early, I think 6:30 a.m. as I had to go and pick up LJ from the Shelter Home at 9:00. We had church at 10:00 a.m. It was Stake Conference. I was an EMOTIONAL WRECK all day on Sunday. I was feeling like an emotional roller coaster. I would be fine one minute, horrid the next, yelling, screaming, crying. LJ was not a good boy at church and my children were not the best either...and then there was me, not helping the situation at all, and Flavio not wanting me to do much since I was spotting earlier that morning. The bleeding had stopped, so I wasn't too worried. It wasn't enough to even worry me to wear a pad or anything at church. That is how I am talking, no worries. Anyway, Conference was great as we had a special guest Boyd K. Packer. I can't tell you now what he said, I had wanted to blog about it...but life was a little crazy that day. After church I just wasn't feeling tops. We were to go to Flavio's parents for lunch right after, but decided that I, and the kids needed a nap. I never did fall asleep, but at least the kids got in a solid hour. Still, I wasn't bleeding anymore, so I was feeling a lot better about that, but was anxious to call the office in the morning.

Dinner with the family was good. My husband's cousin was there with her new baby, and everyone took the kids outside to play so I got to hold little Daniel for two hours while he slept and I enjoyed me some "Shall We Dance". It was a good movie, I hadn't seen it. It was so nice to just sit there and relax after an emotional day. We came home, got all the kids in bed, and surprisingly all went smoothly. We decided to have Emm and Joth share since LJ sleeps with the door shut. (SO nice...can I just tell you. My kids would NEVER!) Then Flavio and I stayed up until about 11. We usually stay up watching CSI Weekends until 2:00 a.m. but I was EXHAUSTED. So we went to bed, and again, the bleeding was non-existent.

At about 3:45 a.m. Monday morning I woke up with the feeling that A: I had either "peed myself", or B: The fact which I knew, I was bleeding. I ran into the bathroom and indeed it was the latter. There was a lot. I yelled for Flavio, then started bawling, and shaking, knowing instantly that the possiblity of this pregnancy going to full term was not good. We got dressed, Flavio gave me a beautiful blessing. How he even found the words was just a testimony to me that he was not the one giving it. I really wish I could remember everything that was said, instead I just remember the reassurance that I felt. The promise that this experience would only strengthen my testimony if I would allow it to, and that Heavenly Father loved me. I calmed a little at that, to the point that I wasn't wracking with sobs anymore. Flavio called his parents and they got to the house at 3:55 a.m. Somewhere in there I had called the emergency line to my doctor's office, spoke to the doctor on call and he told us to go to the emergency room.

We arrived shortly after 4:00 a.m. Love that my husband sped the entire way. He is really mad he didn't get pulled over. Funny. We walked into the ER and we were helped immediately. The new IMC is 'da bomb! The nurse who helped me then was SO great, and reassuring. We waited a little bit when Dr. Burke a.k.a HOTTIE came in. (Edited to note...by Flavio, that he was as BUFF and "TOUGH" as he is. Sorry honey, Dr. B was a little hotter than you. :( Hope you still love me. ) He had to have been my age if not a year or so older. Of all times to have Dr. Hottness, it had to be now, I hadn't showered in 24, and my eyes were the size of ping pong balls with their swollen redness. He talked to us about what was going to happen. They would do a small ultrasound, and go from there. They brought in the machine, and Dr. Burke proceeded to look for little baby Peanut and hopefully the heartbeat. He couldn't find one. I know that he tried so hard to find one, because he said, "Kim, I am so sorry I can't find a heartbeat, now that either means I can't find one because this ultrasound machine is too small, or it means that your baby had died." Commence ugly cry and me reassuring Dr. Hottie it was in fact that the baby was gone and it was okay for him to say so. I could tell he was hurting for us. (Dr. Hott had on a CTR ring, which for me made me feel a ton better. I am not sure why...but knowing he was LDS was really comforting for me at that moment.) Dr. Burke called down an ultrasound tech to take us down to another, more appropriate machine. It was his job to determine if in fact there was a fetal heart tone. Flavio recalls never seeing anyone look so hard for something. Flavio said he saw him type no fetal h/b, then delete, look again, then re-type. He then gave us the news that in fact the baby had died. He proceeded to give a full ultrasound, just like they do when the baby is 20 weeks. The glorious one where they measure, then tell you what sex the baby is etc. Unfortunately, they could not tell if our baby was a boy or a girl. There is a lot of discrepancy as to how old our baby was when they died. It could have been as much as two weeks. They aren't sure. I didn't want to watch the ultrasound, but looking back I am so glad that I made myself take the small glances that I did. I saw the beautiful little hands, and profile, and little tiny face. Those images are all I have to carry with me. I wish I had forced myself to watch more, but my heart was burst and I wasn't sure how much I could handle without totally losing it.

We went back to our room where Dr. Burke informed me I would get every girl's favorite exam. This nurse brought in "The Pelvic Cart". Really that is what it was called, she pulled out all the "necessities" and the special "speculum". Dr. B. literally says, "I'm gonna need a bigger speculum. I know that isn't what you want to hear right now." Commence joking laughter...and me just thinking get this the heck over with PLEASE. So he does his biz with that, then proceeds to "find my cervix". Poor Dr. Hott, probably only had to do that exam 5 times in his entire life, couldn't find my cervix. It was THE single most painful exam I have ever had. And believe me I have had my fair share...thanks endometriosis. Basically I wanted to scream..."IF YOU HAVEN'T FOUND IT...YOU WILL NEVER FIND IT!" I have a freaking weird uterus, once I explained that, he found my cervix and told me it was dilated. Lovely. So, he finishes his biz, is washing his hands and tells us that he is going to find the doctor on call and decide what they want to do. Begin ugly cry again, and for the first time in my life, I stand up for myself and said, "DO NOT SEND ME HOME LIKE THIS!" I refused to go home, suffer hemorrhage, pain, anguish, and have to dig my baby out of the toilet so they could examine the tissue. I could not handle that...yay me for freaking out. Dr. Burke said, "I won't make you any promises, but I will tell him how you feel."

In comes Dr. Irion. Holla to Dr. I. because he made us smile, laugh, cry, and feel better all at the same time. He gave us A LOT of options. Go home, stay and they could induce labor, or three, they could do a D&C. He said if I had come in a few days later, the only option I would have had then would be to induce labor and give birth vaginally. I cannot tell you how thankful I was for being 16 weeks 3 days pregnant and not 17 weeks. I don't know how I would have dealt with that. Dr. E. was going home for the day...and Dr. Larkin was on call. He came in and visited with us, they got us up to Same Day Surgery by 7:30. They had given me some morphine for the pain, and probably to keep the crazy one at bay. I was thankful for that because I was feeling REALLY good. Not so much emotionally, but physically. I was loving the cable on TV, and enjoyed me a few hours of "A Baby Story" and "Bringing Baby Home" on TLC. You should have seen the looks on the nurses faces when they came in. Something to the effect, "Why on earth is this woman watching this?" Ya, I know...but I did, I wanted to, my favorite shows, we don't get to watch at home. I sent Flavio home around 9:30 a.m. to check on the fort...and to get his binder with all of his client information, as he needed to cancel a lot of work for the day. Besides, it could be HOURS before they got me in. 15 minutes after he left they were ready for me.

They wheeled me up to the OR, and met with Anesthesiologist a.k.a Dr. Hotty #2. As they were prepping me, he was so great to me, told me to have a nice nap! And that is all I remember until I woke up. Now, if any of you out there have ever been "put under" you may recall what it is like coming out of the anesthetic. I have gone under once before, and I still get embarrassed about the things I said and the way I came out of it. This time was very different. I could not open my eyes but I remember being very clear minded. The first thing I heard was, "Hi, my name is Jenna, I'll be your nurse while you are in recovery." Two minutes later, I said, "Jenna!? Jenna. I really feel like I am bleeding a lot!" To which Jenna replies, "Kim, that is really normal to feel after this procedure." To which I replied, "No, Jenna, I really feel like I am BLEEDING TO DEATH!" Jenna ripped the blanket off of me at that point and said, "Okay!" Within a minute there were five people around my bed. Dr. Larkin was not far behind. I was being turned to and fro (still trying to open my freaking eyes that wouldn't work). It was like something out of ER..."40 units Pitocin stat", "something units in her BUTT, stat" etc, etc...there were shots in the bumm, two different narcotics pumped into the I.V. and one very nervous doctor calling for an ultrasound machine. They finally found one, he couldn't see very well, so he called his ultrasound tech down from the office. I can't recall what they were looking for, I heard a lot about "clots" and "fetal parts" to which I remember wanting to YELL...EXCUSE ME!? I am AWAKE. I don't think they thought I was. Anyway, Dr. L gave me three separate exams within a five minute period, each time literally pulling huge clots from inside me. And pushing SO freaking hard on my uterus that I literally have bruises. I was crying, so out of it, no husband (I was in recovery anyway.) Sweet, sweet Jenna took my hand and let me squeeze the living daylights out of it. I don't ever remember hurting so much in my entire life. All I could remember with my closed eyes and brief eye openings, the prayers that were going through my head. "Please Father in Heaven, don't let me die, let them get this bleeding under control." "Please don't let this end in hysterectomy, I don't think I could go on after what I have suffered." 40 minute hemorrhage. I don't think anyone is sure how much blood I lost. I remember when it had finally slowed enough, and the doctor just telling them, "We need to watch her for five hours." Not sure how long I was in recovery, it felt to me like 15 minutes, Flavio said it was more like 2 hours. I have never seen a better sight then when they wheeled me out and my sweetheart was waiting by the elevator. I just love him so much.

They took me downstairs back to Same Day Surgery, hoping to watch me for a few hours then send me home. These rooms are not equipped to handle (nor are the nurses I believe) what I had just endured. It was an awful four and a half hours waiting in that little room. I WAS SICK! I had gotten a SEVERE headache, from either the lack of blood, or the number of meds that they gave me, or a combination of both, that and I hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours. I was not in good shape. I slept for a while. Dr. L. came to see us around 2:00 p.m. did his "clot check" as I like to call it...feels much like an entire fist going in somewhere it shouldn't...wilst a painful push to the uterus through the tummy. Gah...pain. Finally around 4:30 p.m. I wasn't bleeding like they wanted me to, and the concern overcame the need to send me home, so Dr. Larkin admitted me overnight to the Women's Center.

I got up to the room at about 5:00 p.m. And waiting for me were some more GLORIOUS...(I say that with all sarcasm) uterine contractors...and THE SWEETEST NURSE ON THE PLANET. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father made her my nurse. Marcia...she was so kind, and so loving, took me to the bathroom...and talked to me for the rest of her 2 hour shift. (Flavio had to go home because after all we had LJ...and no more babysitter for the rest of the evening...which meant I would be alone. I was okay with that, in fact, I longed to be alone.) Marcia shared with me her experience with mulitple miscarriage...always at six weeks gestation she told me. She talked about her two lovely children, now adults that were adopted through LDSFS. Dr. Larkin came in at around 5:30 p.m. to see how things were going...MUCH better...and luckily only a uterine push from the outside. (YAY!) He told me what a scare "I" gave them. Tee hee..."I" are you kidding me?! I joked about that. He was glad I was staying the night so they could watch me and make sure things were okay.

After Marcia left a few of my sweet friends came to visit, Wendy (whom I BEGGED to bring me her new baby...(the birth story if you remember.)), Cassie, Carly, and my parents. My little sisters came with my parents, I think they were really afraid I was going to die, and just begged my mom to see me. I was sad everyone came ALL AT ONCE...only because I would have loved to visit with everyone a little more one on one...(don't be sad that I say that, it was wonderful to have all of you, I just felt like I didn't get my full use of you...and felt bad for you. ;). The other sucky thing is everyone kind of left all at once and I was left alone to think about what I had just endured. The new nurse was sweet, but I could tell she didn't know what to say to me or how to act. She brought me lots of graham crackers and Lorna Doone cookies. Not my favorites, but I am loving graham crackers now. ;) It was hard to hear the baby in the room next door and to realize that of all the times I have been on this floor, visiting my friends, and remembering the last time I got "the green water mug" and had hospital bands, they would bring me a baby every two hours to nurse, and that I would get to take that baby home. I didn't sleep well. I woke at 5:00 a.m. for a shower. I just wanted to go home. Dr. Terry came in at 8:00 a.m. and signed my discharge, checked my progress and jokingly told me my husband would only get "two weeks of cold showers". Sorry honey! Breakfast came, and I cried when I was done and I saw the menu, and that my diet was the "New Mom" diet. I wish it had been.

I was dressed and ready to go. I was waiting for sweetheart to gather up the three kids to come and pick me up. I called him at nine...then nine-thirty. Looking back I know why he was late, because MY sweet, sweet Dr. Lloyd had come to see ME. He apologized for not having been there the day before, then told me about how his son, who is suffering from brain cancer was doing. He had spent the day up at the hospital with him. Commence bawling and tears from us both, as I told him he was where he needed to be. I can't imagine his pain, knowing that you could possibly lose your child after 30+ years of loving them. Wow. He also shared with me the loss of their first child at 26 weeks. The many tears that are shed, the wondering. He reminded me that it was okay to cry, that I NEEDED to cry. He said, "That is what makes you a good mother...your tears. It shows you love." Bawling. I needed to see him. He was with us when sweet Jothan was born. I remember that morning so clearly, Dr. L's own daughter was the L&D nurse, and I remember just feeling the spirit in that room. He was with us when little Emmaree took her first breath and I held that sweet little girl for the first time. He didn't need to be there when we lost little Peanut. Just him taking his time to see me was enough.

We got home at about 11:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning. A good friend from my old ward called me at around 4:00 p.m. She works in Dr. Lloyd's office. She mentioned how she wasn't working the day before, but as she was getting ready to leave the office today, one of her jobs is to put away all the charts that were used throughout the day. Every chart that is expecting a baby has a "blue sticker" she saw my name and wondered, "Where is Kim's blue sticker? It must have fallen off!" So, she proceeded to go get a new blue sticker to put on the chart. (How sweet is that?) When she opened the chart to find the billing for "One D&C and 40 minute hemmorhage". She just cried then...ran to talk to Dr. Lloyd. They talked for while, his little heart aching for us. It felt so good to hear how highly he thought of me. Because I was feeling like a trash heap by that time on Tuesday. I am so thankful that she called and talked to me for an HOUR.

This week has been hard. The only thing that comes close, as I said before, was our failed placement. The pain is very similar and very different. This time there is a lot of physical pain. Today has been the worst since Monday. But I am healing.

I haven't had much time for myself. LJ requires a lot of our time, he has a lot of appointments. I have had many talks with our family social worker with the state...and after yesterday I am not sure I can handle this. I made a promise to give things one more week. Today was a hard day. And after yesterday I am not sure I can see his mom go through her pregnancy. I don't think I am strong enough. I feel no malice toward her. It was not my intent to have anyone feel that toward her either. My heart aches for her...but I am not sure I can be the one to help her through this. I am trying with all of my heart to make this work...to deal with my own broken heart and help LJ with his. We are all having a really hard time. I just don't know when something is going to give. I wish I could share more about his case. All I can say, he will definitely be going back to his mom, and if not her, his grandparents.

I hope that by sharing some of these things that I help someone who has gone through this same experience. I am feeling a lot of darker emotions that I am afraid to tell anyone, I may have shared with only a few, but there is a lot about losing this baby that has my head spinning. I can't believe that this baby is gone. I made it so far. I am afraid that this was my last chance at bringing a baby into this world. It is too soon to even contemplate such things. I just need to let myself heal. My arms feel so empty. I hate these feelings.