Friday, May 30, 2008
LJ's caseworker came today. She comes once a month to see him, how he interacts with us, to see his room, to make sure we don't lock him in closets etc. (Not funny, but really that is, in essence what they do.)
She informed us that he would be spending the weekend with Mom again. His birthday is Saturday. That means he will be with Mom on his birthday. What is my problem? I have a HUGE problem with this. I am just jacked up. I am beginning to realize that I may not be cut out for Foster Care, and their goal of "reunification". I am feeling a bit too much anger, and despite my prayers for LJ and for his mom, I am having a hard time dealing with things. I guess I am realizing how hard it is going to be for me when and if he goes back with her. I guess I am not sure what it is that I really want for him, or for us. I'm just feeling sad about all of it. There is a good chance...that he may be with Mom sooner than we realize...maybe a week?!
I have been thinking how much I want a little baby to join our family, how I think I want that more than anything. I opened up an e-mail address that I send all my "junk" to. You know...one that I never check...and the millions of messages in there are all about how far along I would be in my pregnancy. I haven't even given it a second thought since my doctor's appointment two weeks after our loss. I guess we would be 26 weeks now. It is just doing funky things with my brain. The past nine weeks...oh my.
There is just so much more...
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I often wonder about what people who live out in the boonies...or basically where there is NO Wendy's feed their children on nights like we have all too often? Usually it is Tuesday nights, when LJ has a visit and we find ourselves running around like dead cockroaches. Ahh, Wendy's we love you.
Today has been a really long and exhausting day for me. I just feel icky, icky. I am teary and my heart aches. I am feeling so many emotions that I am not sure what to do or how to act, or where to go from here. I just keep thinking about how much comfort and peace I have felt over the past two months, and even with all of the trials that have been thrown at us over the last few weeks, how much we have been blessed, and how much I need to remember that our Father in Heaven is mindful of each and every one of us.
I guess, I just need all of my friends to know how much I love them, and care about them. I want my kids to know the same. My hubbs too. I would do anything in the world for them...to see them happy and smiling, to put my arms around them each day so that they knew how much!
We all went out to Baskin Robbins again tonight. ( I am using food as a stress reliever right now. Not the best thing to do I would say! ) It was SO much fun to watch the littles devour their little scoops and "hats" ( cone turned upside down on the top of the cupped scoop. ) It brought me back down to what is important, my family...how important it is that they know that I love them. I remember going to the same ice cream place when I was a little girl. Oooo how I loved to pick out Pink Bubblegum...and save all the gum for the very end. I love watching Jothy take the time to think about which kind he is going to get. He told me tonight he was going to get "the green kind" ( Pistachio ). I am not sure if he would like it or not...so I was happy when I saw he opted for Oreo Cookies and Cream. I wish I could be more like him. Everytime I go somewhere, I always get the same kind...the same dish. I rarely venture out. I love that he isn't afraid to truly experience each thing in life, each flavor and not be afraid to be hurt in the process. I was thankful today to learn so much from the Cookies and Cream choice. Thanks buddy.
Monday, May 26, 2008
I do love the rain...but it just made today a little gloomy.
We went and ordered pizzas, got ice cream, and cuddled up on the couch and watched movies with our kiddos. I can't think of a more perfect day than this.
What did you guys do today?
Saturday, May 24, 2008
LJ has been with us for two months now. We have been on a roller coaster ride where his case is concerned. He came to us on a "Foster Only" basis. Meaning, he was on intensive reunification with his mother. He was seeing her three times a week at that point. Somewhere along the way that grew to four times a week and is now down to one time a week (sorta). We have been told so many different things concerning him, we just say whatever to it all now and just love him and give him all he needs while he is here with us.
My biggest problem with the whole thing is that I felt a little "tricked" into taking him. This is nothing against little LJ but against the system itself. He had been in a shelter home (emergency home) for 50 days. When they called us (specifically knowing we only wanted to take a child 12 months and younger) they told us he was 18 months old. What is another 6 months right? Well, in terms of children who have not had the best care...it was a lot! Plus, since he was considered "foster only" (I'll explain why later) we couldn't even read his file which would have said specifically WHAT he had been through in his short life. So...we have a few hours to decide. In our crazy state and our big hearts we say YES! Well, he comes to us and he is 22 months old. YES, 22 months. That is, TWO years old. We find out that he is considered Foster Only because they couldn't find a home for him because of his intensive reunify status. And all of the Shelter Homes were FULL so they needed him out. Isn't the system LOVERLY?
So, you all know what happened less than 24 hours after he came to us right? So naturally I wasn't in THE best state a foster parent could be in. So really, that same week (I am ashamed to admit) we asked to have them find another family for him. I was a wreck. My kids were a wrech...and poor LJ didn't need to be in a home where another mother was a wreck. It was all just TOO much to handle. Remember I said our hearts are big? Well that is why he is still here. Somehow or another we pushed through all the shiz and here we are two months later, because seriously he was supposed to go live with grandparents, then with Mom. Now, hopefully in the next few weeks he can go back to be with mom. He has been in the system for almost six months. They give parents AT LEAST eight to get it together to have their children back. SO, either in the next few weeks he will be back with her, or they will screen him for "legal risk" which means they will screen families (including ours) and find the best possible fit for him...which means he may be able to be adopted by a family.
In our hearts, we honestly and completely feel he is meant for another family. We have never felt an overwhelming impression that he would be here for a very long time. But if it becomes necessary, we will have the dice thrown in our favor...so wherever the cookie crumbles...if he is to stay here we will keep him forever...if not and there is a better and more eternal placement for him, the state will find it. Hope that makes sense.
Friday, May 23, 2008
She is a pumpkin. She makes chocolate look SO good. So, Saturday my sister in law was in town. I was a raging hormonal lunatic. I will spare you my dramatics. Let's just say my horomones were on overkill with this upcoming "time of the month" if you will. It resulted with me saying the f word. (Yes I just said THE f word, go ahead...remove me from your blog rolls.) in public, in front of A. LOT. OF. PEOPLE. I am 99% sure my sister in law heard it. I was PISSY. So...needless to say I needed to leave the place where we were. On my way home...to BE home for when LJ got home...I decided that Joth, Memms and I would stop for a little Baskin Robbins LURVE. The kids both wanted chocolate. Well, lucky for me...they BOTH fell asleep in the car...so after naps, I snapped a few of Memm. (Jothan wasn't covered for once...plus he was still sleeping.)
Anyway, it does my heart good to see these. Love those first few I popped off really quickly. Those looks. That girl. Ahhh.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Love Potion #31. Oh how I love and despise you all at once.