First of all...

Aunt Flow: I hate you.

Second of all: Jason's Deli, I love you.

This is a picture of my "HALF" sandwich. Half. Ya...looked like a whole to me, but I was mistaken. I love Jason's Deli. Love their fruit, it is always so fresh and yummy and the BLT is TDF. Yes...I love bacon...I love all sorts of meats. I really need to STOP eating them though. I am beginning to ramble on and on.

Just wanted to share with you some of my hates and some of my loves.

What do you hate? What do you love?

Closure to the surface.

My emotions have been extremely close to the surface this past week. We received word on Saturday that the baby we had been hoping to adopt was born. I got a picture text from our friend J...the baby was beautiful. J told me she had chosen another family to place this sweet little spirit with. My heart could not have been more at peace. Even though I know with all of my heart this little life was not meant to come to our home, Saturday was a very rough day for me. I am thankful for our Father in Heaven and for his tender mercies on J's behalf. She was overdue by a few weeks (poor thing) but I also know that this was all part of Heavenly Father's plan for her, for her sweet daughter, for us, and for this adoptive couple...who is now a family. I pray for each of them. My heart has thought of nothing but them for the past few days.

I hadn't realized how much this entire situation over the last three months had affected me. After getting the picture text on Saturday at the workshop...I just couldn't focus, I couldn't breathe or think or act or move. I wanted nothing more than to run...run far far far away. I couldn't...I had spent so much freaking money on the workshop that I had to stay. As soon as the class was over for the day...I hopped in my car and the tears began to flow immediately and immensely. Because some of the details of this failed adoption are very sacred to my heart, I still do not want to share details, suffice it to say that knowing something is right, and that it is all part of Heavenly Father's plan...has not and does not make it any easier. I called one of my best friends and I bawled on the phone...the entire trip back to my little family vacationing in Midway. I was hysterical. I was SOBBING. I could not control myself. The feelings that my heart was experiencing were intense, extremely intense.

My heart thought of J...and of all that she was going through. My heart broke for her...for her loss, for her sacrifice...I longed to hug her...to tell her how much she is loved. I couldn't help but think of that sweet baby girl and how much we loved her...for two months...even now...how she was a part of our life for that time. How we planned for her, put a crib up for her, bought all the necessities for her...then my heart went to this new family that J created...this adoptive couple...who got to take home this beautiful baby to love and to hold. I have just been so full of so many, many things. Things I can't even begin to share.

The past week has been hard. I know that things have to look up soon. I had a nice long talk with my Father in Heaven. One of my really good friends told me one time, "Have you ever thought about telling Father in Heaven enough is enough and you just can't take anymore?" I had to laugh...but then...a few weeks later, I took her words to heart, and I had that talk with him. I am not angry, I am trying so hard to move on from the past little while. I really am trying my best and when I say I am okay...I REALLY AM OKAY. I think He knows this. I think He is going to let up for a little while. I feel good about that.

He is starting already...Memms potty trained herself last week (Okay...well I did help a little...) One day...no accidents to report. None. She is a trooper, an angel...and okay, let's be honest, part of the reason I bawled so much on Saturday...is because my baby is no longer a baby anymore...if I ask her such she retorts:

"I a BIG gewrl!"

On the bright side? I save $15 a week on diapers. Holla.

I had a vacay...cuz I needed one.

We were gone for a WEEK. Well, at least my family was...I had this most amazing workshop...from THIS lady.

It was rad...when I have more time, I'll share with you what I learned...for now...our vacay...

We stayed in a condo up in Midway for the whole week. I had to commute for the three days of the workshop...so I missed out on a few days.

It was RELAXING...amazing...wonderful. We had so much fun. The kids went on the Heber Train...we had ice cream, ate hamburgers...watched cable TV until all hours of the night. We had no Internet access...no phones working...and it was BLISS!

Now, I just have to finish up all the work that piled while we were gone. We are good...we are happy.

Blogging Hiatus...

...I'll be back Thursday. Be here, I will.

If you don't pee yourself...

...don't say that I didn't try. Mmmmk?

Thanks Janay!

"It is what it is."

I've come here many times the past few days. Trying to decide what to say, how to explain how my heart is feeling. The words don't come easy, and I am not quite sure what to say.

I have gotten a few e-mails from people asking about the adoption, and because the situation is quite personal and very private, at this time I feel it best not to share anything more than we will not be adopting a baby this month as we had hoped. I ask if you have any further questions or comments please e-mail me personally.

With that being said, because so many of you have been concerned about me, I will let you know a bit of what I have been feeling the past few weeks.

With the events of the past six months spinning around in my head, and wit

h the knowledge and thoughts of almost having five babies into our home this year, without one coming to fruition, has me reeling.

My heart is aching. My heart is very much pained. I had to make a commitment a few weeks ago to turn my heart and my mind and my energy into my little ones. Into my hubbs.

I feared that if we didn't do this...the trials may get the better of us and things would not be well.

We have had some very spiritual confirmations as to the answers "why".

We still don't have the answers mind you, but at least we know and feel that everything our family has endured has been to teach us, and to help us to grow, and learn something that will help us and perhaps those around us in the future. We have learned greatly of unconditional love, of serving, of our hearts and just what they are capable of.

I have never prayed so hard or so much in my entire life. I have never felt such distinct promptings of the Spirit, such distinct answers to prayer that I can remember, and for these answers and comfort I am grateful. Accepting and acting upon these answers have not been easy at times...but again and again I am convinced and things are reaffirmed that we are doing what we need to be doing and on the path that we need to be on.

Because the events of the past while have been so painful, we have decided at this time to put our adoption profile on hold. This comes with a heavy heart, but a decision which we realize is best for us, and for our children to heal. Many hearts have been hurt, and pained, and we just aren't sure we can go on feeling the hurt at this time.

These decisions have been some of the hardest we have ever had to make. The past two weeks have left me, personally, downtrodden, sad, teary, greatly depressed, but at the same time renewed and close to my Father in Heaven. I have spent a lot of the past two weeks sleeping. Resting my body from the intense emotional pain I have felt. Resting from the intense physical pain caused by that half marathon too (ouch I hurt my ankle!). I have really turned into my work, into myself, into my heart...and trying beyond all in my being to remain close to my children, and close to my husband, and band us stronger and stronger through these hard times.

I'm not sure I can even explain a portion of what I feel.

Audrey Woulard Workshop

June 2008



It was neat to be able to meet one of photography's elite. Audrey was very down to earth, very open and very honest in her workshop. She is an incredibly talented woman. It was neat to hear about how she got into photography...and really great to see her in action.

She has a way of making anyone feel at ease.

It was totally awesome to see the famous 'loft' and to be where much of her stunning work is created.

This baby was delicious. I think she was five weeks old?! Seriously. Cute.

This image may not seem like much, we learned how to photograph a subject in full sun. Something not easily done.

This kid was stunning. Some back alley work.

And this one...nice.

And one of my BFF's.

Chicago was totally rawkin'. Stay tuned for the next while and I will show you just how rawkin' I thought it was. This seems like SO long ago...and yet it wasn't. Wow...I need to get back on track.

The best things about the workshop were learning some of Audrey's business savvy, and learning to trust myself shooting many people at a very wide open aperture. It can be done. Hello low light, you are no longer my demon friend...I welcome you.

Dole Plantation

March 2008

Today.

****People...you have one more day to BID...so please do. Fun will be had by all. (Let's see some bigger numbers today. I'll close the auction out at 11:59 p.m. Mountain Standard Time Friday, September 5, 2008.)****

Onto other things. Today was September 4.

Today was suppose to be my due date for little Peanut. In honor of this day I ate exactly that...almost an entire bag of Peanut Butter m&m's. My hips, butt and thighs will NOT thank me later. In honor of this day, Aunt Flo decided to wake me up at some obscene hour of the morning to let me know her flight had arrived. Hate her. She is not welcome.

I stained our little deck. Someone had to. I decided today it should be me. My kids were angels while I did it. I seriously have the best kids on the planet. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how lucky I am to have them. (Go kids!) Staining the deck was very theraputic. I was lost in my thoughts for a few hours, enjoying the last of the summer sun. Thinking about the past six months and how I can make the next six the best ever.

I was brought to contemplate on how thankful and blessed I am to have my health, my home, my sweet husband and my J-Dawg and my Memms.

Even though today was hard, and deep down I would be lying if I said I didn't wish it were different, part of me is thankful that it wasn't. That part of me is thankful for all that I have learned so that I can continue to learn and to grow and to rely upon my Father in Heaven.

Just when I was thinking...

...things could not get worse.

I booked my amazing and talented friend and photographer Jon for this.

And our car breaks down this afternoon.

The timing.

I had to e-mail him back like the loser I am and cancel. My heart is breaking.

So all of our 'extra' money has to go to that.

I could just crawl into a ball and bawl.

Enough is enough already.

ENOUGH!
SO, instead of wallowing in my own self pity...(which I am terrible at anyway and it is SO unattractive) let's do something to help NieNie and her family since I can't do it on my own. I have no money, but do have time...and perhaps someone else out there does have money.

A one hour photography session with ME (up to six people). And an 11x14 inch print from your session. And...AND...AND...a full resolution version of the images from your session on DVD.

HOW?!

BID.

Bid in the comment section. I will leave this post up for two days and close it. The highest bidder will donate the winning bid to NieNie and her family via their Paypal account and send me a copy of the Paypal receipt.

Have fun.

Hawaii, Kahuku Grill and the PCC.

March 2008

WOW, here I am...almost four months pregnant and my hair...holy shortness. Holls and I ate at this grill a few times. It was right near our hotel. The food was pretty yummy...everything except:

Mine and Holly's disdain for the Kraft cheese slices on the burgers. They burgers were interesting. Kind of like meat loaf burgers. Not sure...but food was food at that point.

Holly donning a beautiful hat. I believe this was from the "Tongan Islands". It has been five months though, I might be wrong.

This beautiful lady taught us how to weave.

You can't really tell what it is, but it was a fish and pole.

The shows at the Luau were awesome.



And the pig? Really neat to learn about.

Although...it looked too much like a pig for my taste to want to eat it.





Beautiful costumes...and dancing.

And at the show later that night, the fire dancers. This was really amazing. I remember being SUPER cold the entire time, wishing I had brought a sweater.